Losing everything. Is that what will make me who I am? I finally tried to live on purpose. All I ever tried to do was be honest and express myself and be clear about what I wanted. But I lost everything anyway. And now I can’t sleep because of all the ghosts. What happened to me? I thought that I had cried enough. I have cried for days and weeks at a time all year. I have pushed my sadness deep down inside. I won’t let myself stay sober enough to feel anything anymore. There’s only emptiness. I try to fill my void with alcohol and pills but it never works. Nothing ever does, really.
Will I ever find anything in this world that is permanent? Or is that just too much to ask for? What is ahead for me? I always want what is never there. All I have ever really wanted was to love and be loved. Can someone actually want me for real? Ever? Anyone I have ever truly loved has never wanted me the way that I have wanted them.
Am I completely wrong about everything? I know that there was one time that I thought I knew, and even though I still knew that if it was really right it would be perfect. Can I move on from how I feel now? What I could almost never admit? What I was ashamed of? I loved him; I still do. Why would I still hate him if I didn’t still have love for him?
Why can I not get these ghosts out of me? Why am I never a person when I am alone? I don’t even know who I am or what I need. I want everyone everything. Just because I feel that I have never had anything. Anything I have ever experienced was only a lie. I sacrificed everything for my love and I have gone through months of hell because of it. I love him still. Will I ever be able to get over this? Meet a person who makes me feel the way that he does? I knew when he was going to call or appear out of nowhere. I thought that we really had it and I sacrificed everything that I had to take a chance and I was ruined. I have never been so crushed in my life.
I am still trying to be the person I have always wanted to be. How can I even know what I want? Why am I cursed to want so much what I can never have? Why is it that every time I pick up a pen I only have one thing to say? I hate myself and I hate what has happened to me.
I feel that this year has broken me. I don’t even know what to feel or what to be anymore. The things that were important to me, that kept me going, have gone away. What am I even living for? Why is it that living for myself is never enough? I crave partnerships and flourish with them but they always betray me. But are those only my perceived betrayals? Do I bring this all on myself? I knew it would end so badly with him but I couldn’t help my feelings. God, I tried for so long to bury those feelings and pretend like they didn’t exist. It was killing me, though; I had no choice. There was just my reality and I finally had to accept it. But I never thought that he would abandon me the way that he did. I never thought that I would lose his friendship the way that I did. Although we are no longer friends, my love for him unfortunately won’t go away, even when I’ve tried to be with other people. The most fucked up thing is that I know his love for me has not gone away either. He has done all but tell me and the fact that we can no longer be close is the most telling of all. We both told each other more than we should have and he still won’t get out of my dreams.
Why does he haunt me always? Just go away! You are why I feel so alone! All I have felt in the past year is like a fool.
Mobile, Alabama ~2007
Leave a Reply