Weird times, so much to process, so much to chew on, so many new things, so much all over the place…
But the hardest thing is that I have to come back down to Earth. It’s good, I needed some grounding, and I needed to see things as they are. It’s not really a big huge crash. I’m not surprised and I’m okay detaching from this situation, I think it’s necessary. Truly, it’s what I’ve been wanting for a while but it was kinda hard.
Josh is turning back to all of his little girlfriends and not caring much to spend time with me, which is fine. I feel the need to keep many things to myself these days. I really don’t want to be angry about anything. I feel like I could be angry at myself for falling into this rhythm again and angry at him for falling short in so many ways but that’s stupid – I went through this thing again but didn’t let it consume me or depress me or make me crazy. I just dealt with it, knowing deep down that it was wrong. I had to let all this shit play out inside of me but this time I did it all differently and now new things can surface, grow, bloom…I hope anyway. No expectations of other people, just enjoying the abundance of friends and loneliness, feast and famine, light and dark, pleasure and pain, joy and sorrow…
I didn’t really want any of this but it was a process that has been very good for me in terms of building my confidence, letting go of my past, indulging my spiritual side, believing that anything is possible, believing in the light of my spirit and not being afraid to unleash it and let people see it. I used to live that way. I wasn’t always afraid. I lost a few things along the way. Losing Kevin crushed me. I haven’t really been able to get that close to anyone in a long time. Josh and I provided the kind of companionship that we needed for the time but now we both need and deserve something better. I need to live a full complete life, not fragments of lives in different places with different people. I have been an imposter for the last 15 years, living as a different person in every town I go to.
Olympia, Washington ~2014
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