I don’t even know where to start. Things are happening, I can feel them stirring below the surface of the earth. Yet I still don’t have what I thought I would, what I have always wanted. And after everything, this is the fear that still plagues me. These are the doubts that I cannot seem to defeat.
All I have ever wanted is love, the real love. I just want to be someone’s person. I don’t want to go the way of Leah before me and always be the second wife. Why do I fear that if I follow God I will never find this in my life? I have been trusting for the last few years that the right person will come along at the right time, that I’ll find the right person and live happily ever after, but I don’t know what that even means. I know that it’s not really how it works and I’m curious to really give it a try. But I’m looking for it, everywhere I go, asking if every person is The One. These doubts, though, they only make me want to stop what I’m doing and close my heart and that just can’t happen. I have to have faith, just like George Michael sang.
Oh, but this isn’t really what I wanted to talk about. Well, I do want to point out the temptation to close my heart, because now that it’s open, things are happening. I’ve always wanted a teacher, a mentor, and now I have one, someone I love more than I ever thought possible, in a way that I have never experienced. When I realized that I loved him I wasn’t afraid. I didn’t want to push those feelings down. I felt full, like I was going to burst with this love because it was happy and pure and came from…I don’t know, from somewhere. From that bottomless well of love known as God.
Josh helped me tap into that and as soon as I did everything changed for me. I have established a firm connection with God now, I am confident of my purpose, that I have one and I am capable of fulfilling it. But the doubt is still there, no matter how many times I try to tell myself that I am fine alone, fine by myself, I am lying lying lying. I need to find the person…I’m terrified of hurting myself again by being with the wrong person, or of hurting someone else because I can’t commit, because I can never trust, because I always have to pull back, that’s really what happens when I get close to someone.
Olympia, Washington ~2013
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