Oh, life is changing so much. It feels like I’m breaking out of some negative patterns of my past. I always felt like I wasn’t good enough for the life I wanted. Well, did I know what life I wanted? I never really wanted anything concrete. I always wanted the unknown. Travel, adventure, excitement, life…those were the things I sought out and those were the things I got. Yes, I took it far, very far. I did do some things for myself and my future, like college. I’m grateful that I at least accomplished that. And I always worked hard. I just…had a hard time rising out of myself…well, I didn’t have a well-defined sense of self. I had to build that first in order to rise up about it, to realize that things are not about me.
I am simply an observer of this world. So much so that I forget to live in it. I have a bad habit of not getting out there myself. I can’t have fear of what will happen. I’m not the same person, well that’s not true…I have overcome a lot of issues in the last decade so I am not motivated by the same subconscious self-destructive tendencies. I no longer want to be enslaved by narcissistic men who can’t get their heads out of their own asses enough to do anything for anyone other than themselves.
I still don’t really know how to date, or know how to stop fantasizing about what could be and just focus on what is. I definitely daydream and fantasize too much still and I know that it can damage my perception and experience of my reality when things don’t play out the way I thought they would. I have to stop projecting expectations. It takes away from the joy of the moment.
I am also figuring out how to plant and be patient and let things grow. I want to stay, to settle, to let my roots grow strong and deep. Who knows what will happen? I just have to stay open and not be afraid. Love and not be hurt. It is so easy for me to just take off and go somewhere else for some reason. But that’s no longer what I want. What do I want now? Well, first I wanted a state job and to make enough money to support myself. That is now becoming a reality. What is next?
Truthfully, I want some sort of love life. But that’s always been the case. But not for the same reasons. I don’t have as much of a need for someone else to fill my void. I really want to be a whole person who finds another person to walk with, to experience life together, to build a life together. But until someone wants to do that with me, I must build the life that I want for myself. Getting this state job was a big step. It opens up so many more possibilities and opportunities. I can look forward to a steady paycheck that I can fully support myself with and now it’s just time to start building more. Getting my own place, my own things, that is really important to me right now. I’ve never built a home. I can do this now. I would much rather the right kind of relationship but I never know if I’m supposed to try and make something happen or sit back and wait. I wait and years go by and nothing. When will I ever meet the right person? Am I really supposed to do the pursuing? No one ever pursues me, I always want someone to like me so much that they come after me, seems like it’s too much to ask though. Should I really still wait for this or should I just start going after people? Gotta be careful. Look at how I ended up in another weird “platonic friendship” with a narcissistic man.
But I cannot go forward with fear of these things. I must go forward with trust in myself and trust that no matter what happens, things will be okay. It’s not that I won’t make a mistake. It’s that mistakes are a natural part of my path and I will learn from them and come out better for having made them.
Olympia, Washington ~2014
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